The Stuff Of Nightmares
finding everything dreams are made of by experiencing everything they aren't
There are scars that are always with us. Some deeper than others. Some we are proud of and others we aren't. Some were just mistakes we made when we didn't know better. Some were not our fault at all.
One scar in particular sticks out more than others from time to time.
This particular scar is one that is stubborn. You think it’s fading but it’s not. There is no perfect concealer to truly hide it. When I was in high school I was in an abusive relationship. And even though it was as long time ago, the trauma stays with you.
You would think being married for almost fourteen years and having three kids would make you never think of it again. But I believe with any traumatic experience it stays with you. You just have to decide if the memory of it controls you or you control it— by growing and learning from the hurt.
People sometimes don't think it's serious when you say it was high school. They don't think people are capable of being abusive or manipulative at that age. Let me tell you - it happens. It happened to me. And as hard as it is for me to think about, it’s happening in teen relationships across the country today.
I always thought I would be the girl that would know better. I would NEVER let anyone treat me like that. But the problem is, before you realize what has happened or how you got into the situation, you are so far in it that you don’t realize what it is. Or by that time you’ve pushed everyone away and you feel as now you have no one to turn to for help to get out.
He was troubled. Obviously. And I realize looking back that he came from a cycle of abuse as well. The problem was he could have stopped it. I hope he has by now. So in a way I feel sorry for him for the environment he grew up in. But at the same time you have to be responsible for your actions and breaking that cycle. And he chose not to. Instead of seeing the pain his dad would inflict on his mom and doing things differently, he decided to do what his dad did.
I sometimes wonder what it was about me that made him feel like he could prey on me. Did I give off a vibe? Was I desperate for someone to like me? I don't think I'll ever really know. I may have just been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or maybe it was just something I had to go through and I'll never know why.
I know they say to forgive people because holding into anger only hurts the person that is holding onto the anger. And maybe that's true. I'd like to say I forgive him. But I don't know.
He took years of my life that were supposed to be fun and carefree.
He took my self esteem. He called me fat and ugly.
He took my dignity - being spit in the face will have that effect on you.
He took the outgoing girl and isolated her.
He took the girl who overcame years of anxiety and made her feel anxious.
He made me into someone I wasn't. Someone I didn't like. But when someone is abusive, they isolate you to the point you only have yourself and them. Because you've pushed everyone away, you so desperately try to hold onto the only person you have left: in this case, the person hurting you.
I never got to stand up to him. I never got to tell him everything I thought of him or wanted to say. I never got to scream at him. Or swear at him and tell him how much I hate what he did.
So here's my chance....
But I won't.
Because I'm not him.
Because while he may have taken so much from me at the time, he gave me so much more in the long run.
Instead, I’ll thank him.
Thank you for showing me what I can overcome.
Thank you for showing me I'm worth so much more.
Thank you for showing me the opposite of what to look for in a life partner.
Thank you for showing me how a man does not treat a woman so I could steer clear and see or notice warning signs if it ever looked like it would happen again.
Thank you for letting me learn this while I was still young enough - before we were married or had kids together.
You showed me what love is - by showing me everything love is not.
You hurt me. You robbed me of so much. But you may have been my biggest lesson. In trying to destroy me you showed me everything life was really supposed to be for me.
And guess what? I went out and found it. And I feel loved. And I don't feel anxious. And I feel beautiful even when I'm not. I feel respected. I feel uplifted. I can be loud and outgoing. I can make stupid jokes. I can be ME - and ya know what? I really like her.
So thank you.
Time spent with you was a nightmare. But just like real nightmares you wake up. And then you breathe a sigh of relief that it was just a nightmare and the scary monster in the nightmare can't really hurt you. You don’t have the power to hurt me anymore.
There was a time I really wanted you to hurt and pay for what you did. I wanted you to feel as awful as I felt.
I don't want that anymore.
Because I'm bigger than you.
You couldn't break the cycle of abuse. You weren't strong enough or brave enough.
But me? I broke it. Because in your cowardice you showed me I was brave enough and stronger than you to do that.
And while I don't wish hurt upon anyone... there really is no sweeter revenge than that.
Yes. This. You made it through and when you got to the other side you took from it exactly what was right. I commend you. 26 years for me. Started when I was 12. I am now 17 years past and still have moments. I also have 2 amazing kids and a new man who shows me that I matter. But more than that I show myself I matter.