I'm a lifer.
Or so that's what they said when I was younger.
"Some people need medicine for a little bit. Some need it due to a certain circumstance in their life and then there are those that are lifers. Meghan is a lifer."
I have had anxiety and OCD for as long as I can remember. There wasn't one incident that triggered it. At least I don't think.
I remember bits and pieces from kindergarten being anxious. Maybe a bit from preschool too. I don't ever remember a time when it wasn't with me or a part of me.
If you think mental illness has a stigma or a taboo associated with — you should have seen how much people really didn't know anything about it in kids when I was little. I'm 37. And while 30 years doesn't seem like it was THAT long ago, very few doctors understood it. And if doctors didn't understand it—the ones who SHOULD know about it—then believe me when I say my peers, their parents, and teachers REALLY didn't understand it.
Thankfully, the people that needed to understand and be supportive the most understood it. And they did everything to get me the help I needed.
My parents were amazing. I always felt safe. I could always confide in them when I was anxious. Although most times I didn't have to tell them as it was obvious in the often times paralyzing panic attacks that would happen. Did they get frustrated? Of course. And being a parent now I totally get it. A combination of being tired, worried, stressed out, having 5 kids, and at times I'm sure just completely annoyed with me. Not that they ever said that. But like I said - I'm a mom now. I KNOW how they had to feel at times.
The thing about anxiety is the more you try to hide it or not act anxious, the more anxious you become. Will everyone look at me? Will they think I'm crazy? I remember sitting in class in 4th grade and I could feel the panic starting. My body shook so bad to the point I couldn't walk. When you are shaking and hyperventilating your whole body goes numb. It's that feeling like your foot fell asleep except it's YOUR WHOLE BODY.
Pins and needles.
Tingling.
It's not me being dramatic, it truly is what happens and it's one of the worst feelings you could ever imagine.
Finally by sixth grade, we had found the right doctor. A doctor that was able to diagnose me and get me set on the right path with medicine and eventually led me out of the constant panic phase. Did I have moments and panic attacks still? Yes. But they became increasingly less and less. That combined with maturing helped and by high school and college I was smooth sailing with my meds. There were times things would get worse and we would adjust the medicine. Or sometimes we added something or switched it all together.
After I was married a few years, we decided to have a baby. The doctors always suggested that it was probably best to go off of my medicine when trying to get pregnant. I thought "oh of course I can! And I'll be totally fine because I've felt great for years!" I see a lot of people do this. I feel great so why do I need medicine anymore? Sometimes we feel great BECAUSE we have the medicine. It's doing its job. It's working. But wanting to have a baby meant I had to sacrifice. I could never do anything to hurt my child. And so I went off of my medicine. And within weeks I felt awful. But not the typical anxiety that I had always known. This was different. I felt sick. Physically ill. Dizzy everyday. And the more I didn't know what was wrong with me, the more anxious I became. Because I truly didn't believe it could be anxiety. My anxiety had never felt like this. It got worse as my pregnancy went on. I couldn't sleep. I could barely breathe. The last few months of my pregnancy I couldn't leave the house. I missed my sisters 30th birthday party. I missed my brothers wedding shower. I was so depressed because I felt so awful and I couldn't do anything. My head was like a tape recorder that went on over and over again (that was the OCD part of me.) I remember wishing I could get away from MYSELF. Could someone put me to sleep for a week to give my mind and body a break? I drove myself crazy and if it was anyone else driving me crazy then I could get away. But it was me. I couldn't escape my mind. And that was the worst thing of all.
Things got worse for a bit after I had my son, mostly having no medication for over 9 months and all of the hormones that your body experiences after having a baby.
The thing about medicine when you have anxiety or any other mental health issues is that even when you have moments of anxiousness or times that are worse than others, there is always a "shelf." You may fall a little but the medicine keeps it in check. You will always stay above the shelf. In this case, there was no shelf. I was at the bottom. Starting over like when I was a kid again. But this time it was worse. And not only was I at the bottom, I was below the bottom because of the length of time I had been off of my medicine, combined with the state of anxiousness my body was in for so long, combined with postpartum hormones.
Eventually my medicine regulated, I found an amazing doctor that specialized in women's psychiatry and assured me if I wanted to stay on my medicine if I were to have more kids then I could do it. It wasn't that I wanted to stay on my medicine for my following pregnancies—I needed to. I wouldn't have been able to take care of my son. He deserved a mom at his best.
We were blessed with two more children—both girls. Yes, I was nervous about being on medication while pregnant but I didn't see it as selfish. I saw it as putting my kids first by giving them a mother that could function at full capacity. And I would pray every night during my pregnancy and I would say "God, you know I would never do anything to hurt my kids. Please take care of them. I trust you know my intentions and my heart." I knew regardless of what I did while pregnant, it's ultimately in God's hands, just as most things in life are.
I am now blessed with three children. All healthy and all different and unique in their own ways. There is no difference between my son who I wasn't on medicine with and my daughters who I was.
I never hid from anyone that I knew that I had taken medication during my pregnancy. There are women I'm sure could do it and go off of their medicine. I was not one of them. And that's ok. That's the nature of the disease.
I used to be embarrassed to say I was on medicine, let alone that I was on it while pregnant. It was more of having people think I was crazy. The stigma that I fight so hard to break was the one I was scared of people thinking of me. Nothing about my anxiety makes me any less me. It's just a part of who I am. Everyone has their own things they've carried during their lives. This was mine.
I always find it funny when people are so against medication. Look, I'm not pushing anyone onto medicine. I believe each person needs to weigh the pros and cons. But would you be insulted if you told me you were a diabetic and I said to maybe try to work through it? Diabetics take insulin. They need it. Cancer patients go through chemotherapy. Lots of people have different reasons they need medications in order to live their best life. My reason is no different. It is not more or less important than the other reasons. It's just the thing I happen to need medicine for.
I used to be so angry that I had this and had to deal with it, especially as a kid. Now I feel grateful. Medication and mental health has made huge strides even since I was a kid. There are people everyday that deal with things that unfortunately medicine can't help or fix. People are told daily they have things that aren't treatable. People are told they have cancers that no medicine will cure. Out of all the illnesses I could have been dealt, I am beyond grateful if I had to have anything that it is one that is so treatable.
The biggest myth is medication for anxiety will make you a zombie or numb. You will stare off into the distance and have no emotion. This is the furthest thing from the truth. I have had the same personality my whole life. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm opinionated and not afraid to say what I feel. I love deeply. I cry at songs that bring back memories. I'm goofy and sarcastic. I'm stubborn. Sometimes I can't keep my mouth shut. But that's ME. The me that was pregnant and not on medicine was the zombie. There was no joy or laughter. There were lots of sad tears. I couldn't leave the house. I couldn't be around people.
I love life and I have a lot of it left to live. And I'm not ashamed that I need a little help. I'm grateful I have something that can help.
Yes, I'm a lifer. I will most likely need it for the rest of my life.
My medicine didn't change me—it allows me to actually be me. I can be all parts of me without my anxiety holding me back.
Its life but it's far from a life sentence—it's freedom.